Fighting Breast Cancer

I’ve been sitting here thinking about today’s appointment with Dr. N.  When I got home today, my husband grilled me about every moment of my appointment.  I’ve been going to the appointments by myself because my husband and I are self-employed with a very busy mortgage company.  (By the way, if you need a mortgage in Michigan, Iowa, California, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah or Wyoming- we would truly appreciate it if you would consider using us.  877-551-8188, ext 83 to speak directly to me- ext. 88 for Michael.  We will beat the best deal that you can find.  Ditech-schmytech.)  

My husband has to stay behind to process the loans and take care of general business stuff.  This arrangement makes him terribly anxious and upset because he wants to hear everything that the doctor has to say to me.  If he had the equipment to ”bug” my conversation with Dr. N, I’m sure he would.

Anyway, I was thinking about some of the things that Dr. N had said.  He said that I was going to lose my hair after the second round of chemo.   He then wrote me a prescription to have a wig made so that my insurance will cover it.  I’ve been thinking about the possibility of losing my hair for a while, and I don’t think that I want a wig.  In fact, I think that I’m going to just shave my head before I start to lose it.  My life is spinning a little bit out of my control and shaving my head is my way of letting the cancer know that I decide when I lose my hair.  I also don’t think that I will wear a wig.  Wigs creep me out.  When I was a kid, my brother hid my mother’s platinum blond Doris Day wig on the floor of the closet and told me it was a dead rabbit.  Also, I live in AZ where the temperature can get as hot as 115 degrees.  Wearing a wig would make me feel like I have a hot, dead rabbit on my head. 

When I made it known that I was going to shave my head, I was surprised at the mixed comments that I received.  My husband and parents were behind me 100%.  But, I had to convince a few other people that it was a good idea.  One friend told me that I shouldn’t shave my head because I might not lose my hair from the chemo, afterall.  Her grandmother had to have chemotherapy last year and didn’t lose her hair.  I didn’t know this before either, but it turns out there are several different types of chemo.  Indeed, there is some chemotherapy that will not cause hair loss.  Dr. N assured me, though, that I would be experiencing hair loss from my chemo. 

I thought some more about Dr. N.  Could I really put my trust in this man?  While he was giving me the gruesome details about all of the side effects that I would be experiencing, he would scan my face and look at his computer, but he didn’t really look me in the eye.  He spoke very calmly, but very deliberately, in a clear and somber tone.  Physically, he was about an inch shorter than me and (I hate to admit it) about 15 pounds lighter than me. 

In other words, I could take him. 

“Dr. N.  Are you absolutely sure that I need chemo?  Isn’t there anything else that I can do?  Any natural therapy I can try?  This just seems so ridiculous to me!”

“Karen, countless doctors at our facility have reviewed your file.  We all agree that this is the best course of treatment for you.  Please believe me when I say that the last thing that I want to do is take this beautiful girl (awwww, shucks.  Dr. N thinks I’m beautiful) and make her bald and sickly from chemo.  You do have the right to refuse treatment, but I can promise you that this is the best course for you right now and I recommend starting the chemo.”

“Okay Doctor.  I’ll do it.”

I’m going to do it.  I’m going to start chemotherapy.  I’m going to defiantly shave my head.  I think it will be good to let go of my vanity.  For my whole life, I’ve washed, conditioned, brushed, colored, high-lighted my hair.  I’ve spent countless dollars at the salon.  I’m going to let it all go.  I’m going to shave my head and be bald for a while.  I’m going to be free from caring about my looks so that I can concentrate on the essential:  Getting Well.

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