Regarding My Beautiful Wife
On August 23rd, 2008, my beloved Karen died at home, in our bed. She was thirty-three years old.
I have tried, many, many times, to write this post, but it has just been too difficult. For the past nine months, I have sobbed and wailed every single day until I vomit. Grief is wretched.
I am not going to sugarcoat anything, because Karen would never allow such a thing in her blog.
Suffice it to say, it was an awful, traumatic experience for everyone who loved her. And many people loved Karen. She was gorgeous and brilliant and to me, perfect in every way.
She never complained once, because she didn’t want to upset me or her mother. Plus, that just wasn’t Karen’s style. She would always tell us that she felt fine, even when we could tell that she clearly did not. At first, I thought that she was possibly in denial, but as it turned out, she knew exactly what was happening.
About a week before she passed away, our friends and neighbors– Ben and Doreen– came over to have, what turned out to be, their final visit with her. I was letting Karen sleep and the three of us talked for a while in my living room. At some point, Doreen asked me if she could go back into our bedroom and pray with Karen.
I had a baby monitor in the room, which I purchased so I could come running if she called. When I heard Doreen’s voice on the monitor, I turned it off. I didn’t want to eavesdrop. So Ben and I continued to talk and I let the ladies be.
Shortly after Karen passed away, I recalled that visit and I asked Doreen what– if anything– Karen had said that day. After all, these were some of her last and final words, so I wanted to know everything.
As Karen lie there, sick as anyone could possibly be, she asked Doreen to watch out for me and to help me because she knew I was going to suffer. She was extremely worried about me, when it was her that was facing her own death. I realize that this is almost hard to believe, but only if you don’t know Karen.
When I heard this, it absolutely broke my heart.
I still can’t accept that she is gone.
I have not slept in our bed since she passed. Her swimsuit is still hanging on our bathroom towel rod, where she last placed it to dry. Everything is exactly as it was and I don’t know if I’ll ever have the heart to gather her things together.
Karen has many more posts that she saved in draft mode. They are rough, and she intended on editing them first, but she obviously never got to it. So I will continue her work and continue to post. So please check back now and again.
That’s all for now.
The song and artist in the video below was one of Karen’s favorites. It always managed to cheer her up, regardless of circumstance. Please give it a listen.
Dear Michael,
I am so very sorry. I didn’t know Karen and I don’t know you, however from reading her blog it was very clear how much she loved you.
Thank you for this latest post, which must have been so difficult for you to write. I really appreciate that you will continue to post the rest of Karen’s words. I think Karen’s blog is the best one I’ve ever read. I can’t explain how much her words mean to me and how much I appreciate her sense of humour, her honesty, and her wonderful writing.
Thank you for the song too. It’s such a beautiful song and I will play it over & over and even though it makes me cry cause it reminds me of the terrible loss of Karen, a truly amazing person, it also makes me smile.
kindest regards,
Morganne
Michael, I am so very, very sorry. You probably don’t remember me, but I met you when we were young careerists in dallas in 2006. I have been following Karen’s blog ever since and always kept checking back. It broke my heart when I found your post. I didn’t know her, but how I wish I had. She was an amazing woman and you all were blessed to have her in your lives. She will be missed.
Michele Alvarez
Thank you for sharing this tragic news with us. I am so sorry. No one should ever have to lose a loved one to breast cancer. I hope to read Karen’s other posts, but I also hope to hear from you. Your experience would be invaluable to other men in the same situation. That’s part of what I want to do with MenForaCause.org – to provide support and community for men in this difficult situation. If you would ever be interested in sharing with our community, please contact me. My thoughts are with you and your family. Karen was an amazing woman.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Dear Michael-
I am an intern at Breast Cancer Network of Strength. I came across Karen’s blog while doing some research for the company.
I was instantly hooked by her humor! I found myself laughing out loud, and nervously grasping the edge of my seat as I read her candid descriptions of tests, doctors, and treatments. I found myself abandoning work to read this blog, feeling more and more that if I ever got the chance to meet this charming gal we would be instant friends. 10 minutes ago when I finally reached the end of her posts, I burst into tears.
I am only 21 years old, and until reading her story not even working for this organization taught me what it truly means to live with breast cancer. I was hypnotized to learn what it is REALLY LIKE to have chemotherapy. She answered questions I never had the nerve to ask survivors.
I think of Karen on a daily basis–while strolling through Target, walking my own dog. At first she terrified me- because she is so strong, and I doubt I could face the decisions she made in the same way.
Last week for the first time I had a doctor teach me how to do a self breast exam. I imagined her cracking a joke as my doctor’s cold hands felt around, and wished i was as witty.
I just wanted you to know that she has touched my life.
Sincerely,
Jillian.