Fighting Breast Cancer

Since my last chemo, the anemia has been overwhelming.  Even though I’ve been getting regular shots of Aranesp, I’m still incredibly fatigued. 

Michael notices my fatigue and it worries him.  Last night we were sitting on the couch watching a rerun of Seinfeld.  It was the one where George makes a grand announcement in a meeting at work that he’s quitting, then comes back to work the following day as if nothing happened.  I remember thinking in my mind that this was such a funny episode.  I didn’t notice that I wasn’t laughing. 

Michael looked at me and said, “You never smile any more.  Are you depressed?”

I thought about what he said and really tried get a grasp of how I feel.  The answer is, No.  I’m not depressed.  In fact far from it.  Except when I’m having a hot flash, I’ve been feeling quite content and happy with the way things are going, as of late.  But, chemotherapy has made me too tired to express myself.  I can only sit here.  Or sleep.  Lately, moving from the bed to the couch makes me breathless–like I just ran a mile.  Michael’s had to help out with the dog walking.  The gym?  Forget it.  My days are getting shorter and shorter because I need so much rest.

But, amazingly I am not depressed.  Apparantly, though, my lack of facial expressions makes look like I’m completely bummed out all the time.  And when I try to smile, I find that it does take a lot of effort. 

I think I need to devote more time to visualizing my body creating more red blood cells.  I read some where that the act of audibly telling your body to do something triggers your brain to take action.  So, that’s what I’ll do.  And, in the mean time, hopefully Michael will believe me when I tell him that I’m not sad.  I don’t want him to worry about me.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.